Whilst at a wedding reception a few weeks ago, my partner struck up a conversation at the bar with a friend he hadn’t seen for a while. Interested in our recent decision to attempt living together again, the friend asked about me: “Does she work?”.

The question is so loaded with outdated assumptions about women (particularly mothers) and work, and is one I have been asked so many times, that I sometimes make up an outrageous occupation just to throw the other person off guard – snake charmer, laxative tester, pantomime horse. My (male) partner on the other hand is only ever asked, “What do you do?”.

Most Women Work

As incredible as it may seem, I am a woman with a 10-year-old son AND have a job. In fact, the majority of UK mothers have jobs. The Office for National Statistics reports that in 2014 almost as many women with children (74.1%) participated in the labour force as women with no children (75%).

For many mothers, not working is not a choice. Ten years on from the 2007 financial crisis, the worst hit age group is those between 30 and 39, closely followed by those aged between 20 and 29: namely, those most likely to have dependent children. Unless you are privileged enough to have a partner or other source of income providing enough to support the whole family, staying at home is not a viable option.

At the other end of the spectrum, for some mums, working would leave them in a worse financial situation than staying at home. At the start of my career, the amount I earned working full time was less than the amount I could have achieved working less than 16 hours a week and claiming relevant benefits. I had to choose between a modest income working part time but sacrificing my desired job progression, and a hand-to-mouth existence working 37.5 hours a week climbing the career ladder. (I could open a whole other can of worms discussing employers’ perception of part time workers.)

Archaic Values Prevail

Sadly, it seems that the 1950s are not over yet. There still exist individuals who assume women with children either don’t work or work in menial part time positions for “pocket money” while their partner slaves away at the office. Some of these individuals are women themselves.

When I was studying for my undergraduate degree, I was told by a female family friend that “I could do that once he (my son) was at school”, whilst another said that having a baby so young would put my “career on hold”. More than eight years on, I still experience occasions when playground mums are confused, dismayed or shocked at my decision to commit to a whole working week.

To the first group: the confused, I remind them that all women should (but don’t yet) have the right to choose whether to stay at home or go to work. To the dismayed, I explain that my child’s physical and emotional well-being is in no way hindered by my decision to have a life outside my house. And to the shocked, I want it known that excellent parents can also possess drive, ambition and their own identity.

Strike Out The Stereotypes

If we are truly working towards equality, then the dichotomy between family and career should not exist for women OR men. Choosing one or both should be viable options without gender-based judgement or surprise. A stay-at-home dad is neither hero nor hen-pecked, an unemployed mum with three children is not feckless, and being a managing director does not preclude loving your children.

Instead of asking, “Does she work?”, why not stop to consider the many ways that men and women can contribute to society both at home and in the workplace, and then ask whether your question is relevant after all.